SC, my best guess is that the cancer will not get me directly. I may speak too soon because some troubling symptoms popped up in this last hospital stay, but I've only so far had one bad blood test since my surgery and when I last saw my oncologist, she said one more clean test and she will declare me as cancer free as is reasonable.

So, it's not the cancer.....it's all the things that came with it and the associated pain. I am losing strength in my arms. I can't swim anymore because I can't kick. Lymphedema comes and goes. Mostly, it's like cancer gave the arthritis I already had permission to tear me apart.

The doc said that if I quit all my meds, my life expectancy would be less than six months....but the catch is that you can't tell what a stroke is going to do and there are worse outcomes than dying.

I stay at a pain level that reminds me I'm at the end of my life and I keep losing the ability to take care of myself. Every now and then, I write about it because it's in my face and I end up reminding myself that my life has been generally charmed.

Writing my memoir taught me how much help I had from others and the critical role of luck. Things are not going well right now, but I intend to vent, not whine.